Memories ;Excuses to fall for your ex.

Memories ;Excuses to fall for your ex.

It's a typical Tuesday morning ,the air was so cold and refreshing .The grass was wet with morning dew and the birds start to fly away from their nest  .The sun started to rise from east and the blue sky appeared .I just woke up from my bed ,stretching my hand and trying to remember what did I dream last night .failed to remember-I grab my cell phone under my pillow. One new message from my boyfriend-Adam .It must be a good morning wish ,my heart blooming happily. Adam had been really important in my life since the past two years. We had never quarrel and live happily as a couple. he never missed to wish me good night and good morning every day. he always there, when I need him, and he always coaxed me when I’m sulking .I can bet that he is the most perfect boyfriend in the earth.**Let's break**-shocked, the cell phone felt to the floor .my hands were trembling and I just couldn't believe what I'd read.-gained some strength-I picked up the phone and tried to confirm myself what I’d just read. nothing changed ,I tried to scroll down the message hoping it was a prank message..but there is no other words. Adam was breaking up with me ...

Tears rolling down my cheek and wetting my blanket ,I just stare at the phone aside me. I didn't reply or call him for any explanation .I just reassure my fragile heart that began to fracture and may break anytime .my mind was searching for the reason. why? maybe it's my fault .maybe he’s bored with me, maybe he found someone better than me.-the thoughts keep lingering even when my tears had dried. the needle of the clock seems moving too was 10 am ..I washed my face and took a bath ,feeling better- I grabbed my sneakers and left my phone on the bed. I need to take a walk,..-oxygen may help me.

1 mile,2 miles,3 miles .I kept running but the thoughts keep bothering me .The tears that I hold too long ,flow like stream .I stopped..I was hurt..I wished I knew why he did that to me .I'm wondering what will await for me at home, an apology message? a tons of miscalls? or even him standing in front of my house with a bouquet of flower .Idiot-why I'm still thinking that he’s going to comfort me ,we're breaking up. Everything will end soon. No ,it’s already ended . he's not mine anymore. I never imagine this-never thought that we will split up. I thought I'll  have his last name, I thought he’s going to marry me .I thought he's the one that will wait for me at the aisle ..Now, I'm losing him. I sat under a  tree ,laying on the green grasses .A wide blue sky spread in front of my eyes . beautiful, clear unlike my mind. I closed my eyes ,and the memories were rushing towards me.-I always been a jealous girlfriend ,I hate it every time he talks with other girls ,even though I knew ,they were only his classmates..I'm selfish. I never thought about his feeling .I'm unfair..I always been so close with my classmates even when he’s there..-the memories scattered into tiny bits .Now ,I knew his reason ...

The sun shone brightly ,almost drying my wet cheeks-feel better. I ran straight toward home. the flowers were blooming and bees were singing harmoniously along the way. It's a great day after all ,the world seems to cheer me up .I look toward the sky and feel relieved. The burden in my chest feel lighter. I smiled and walk away-leaving all my problems behind. as expected ,nothing waited for me ,no car, no flower, no Adam-nothing at all. I ran up stair and check my cell phone. Still nothing ,no miscall or even a message .I read his last message **Lets Break**.It's simple, no reason, no apology. I reply **Okay**-simple as his message. Then, I delete it-hoping for the memory will be vanished just like the message.

Like dandelion dust, the memories flew with the wind swiftly. It’s been half a year since we broke up .I'd avoid him since then, it's been awkward moment and its tough. No matter how much I said I'd over him, yet I can't lie to my heart .Its hurt too much when he even didn't care and I always wonder if he ever look back to the memories we had together. We were drifting away and I hate myself because there was nothing I can do to stop it.-because I knew ,he didn't love me anymore...I wished I can forget him ,I wished I never said okay when we're breaking up because I'm regretting it too much now. I wished he won't find other girls, I'm not a girl who is happy when someone I love happy with other girl  .yes ,I'm selfish, I'm jealous, I'm not a perfect girlfriend .I'm sorry

Maybe it’s true, we don't know what we had ,until we've lost it. but, maybe it also true that we don't know what we're missing until we found it .If I'd courage I'll grab him back ,but I'm afraid nothing will be the same and we'll end breaking up again-I should move on. just like Adam..I had forgotten the last time I cried ,the tears rolled down my cheek again, I know I can't stay this way. Someday ,he'll find another girl. and when that moment come .I should forget him completely ..I should fall in love once again, no matter with whom- I'm desperate in forgetting him-truly desperate ,my heart can't bear it any more .it's as thin as ice-fragile.and would crack soon....

          I thought replacing him with someone, would make me forget him. I really thought I just need new memories. But I didn’t. Being with somebody you didn’t love is hurtful. Loving without sincerity ,lies on the base of cruel motive. I hurt myself and the people I’m being with. If you don’t love him. Just stop. Tell him the truth. The feeling wouldn’t come if you still can’t move on. It’s fake. And they don’t deserve that . The reason why I can’t last long with others is the fact that I’m feeling guilty for playing with their hearts. I ended it and still my feeling is for Adam.

The sky still dark-the clover was covered by morning dew. four-leaved clover, where are you? I really need luck now I need miracles .I need Adam back. He took a piece of my heart when he left -that's why I can never forget him .I don't care about other guys, even I'd tried give myself chances to love them-I could only be with them as couples but ain’t as lovers. Nothing last long, I can't built a relation with guilt in the heart-without love as the base .I hate myself for using them just to forget him, to make him jealous-bitch. I'd changed ,I hate myself. I cried every day, cursing myself, regretting the past. I didn't know how to forget him, I'd lost in my own world ,I'd stuck in the love-alone .I wish time can be traveled backward, I wish my love story wasn't this difficult .there were too much miracles I’m  hoping and wishing for ,but none comes true. I grabbed my phone, dialing Adam's number .I still remember his numbers, even I'd delete him from contact-he picked up .my voice was trembling, -excited ,happy, sad ,everything. I was longing to his voice "I miss you" ,I said..he just replied with "hmmm" .maybe I'd meant nothing for him now .he's happy without me ,tears filled my eyes-it dropped on my cheeks and I wipe it with my sleeve-frustrated .I hang up.

No matter how many times I denied it ,I'll always remember, every details, every moment, every pieces of memory he left me. No matter how much I tried to forget, it will always be there-because I'm a girl.-I grabbed the car key and went to the beach.*The air was cold  yet refreshing ,the wave slowly hit the shore ,I walk along the beach, leaving footsteps on the white sand ,sometime I went into the clear blue water, drenching myself so no one notice the tears ."I can't forget you ,so I'll love you !"I screamed to the wide sea .I won't forget him anymore, I'll grab him back. He's not the only guy in the universe, but he's the only one that matter...

I wish he was here so he’ll know how much I wanted him back.
“You really love him ,do you?”I turned around-shocked with the voice .A tall young guy was standing behind me, he had good figure and was quite handsome and  he is a complete stranger.         

“Who are you?” I asked, instead of answering his question.

“Nobody” ,he smiled .   
“So ,stay away from my life!” I kicked him and ran away. he startled and toppled down onto the sand-felt guilty. I went back to help him to stand up.

“Sorry, I just think you shouldn’t interfere with other’s life” ,I said
“Okay ,apology accepted I think you shouldn’t  kick other’s leg  too” he replied without feeling any guilt.
irritated “ hmph, you’re annoying it’s your fault , you should be kicked twice, by the way .I’d apologies’ so I’m leaving, bye!”I scolded him.
“wait !,I sprained my ankle ,at least bring me to clinic ”he said.

Since Danny come into my life, I barely remember Adam, I'm not entirely forget him but Danny always be on my side. I didn't feel bored anymore .I always have someone to talk with ,to spend time with. he's my friend.
"Let's go on a date ", Danny  asked .I replied with an okay, it's just a date anyway .I've always been on a date after breaking up with Adam.-a date to find a replacement .so it wasn't a big deal for me.**I wore a light purple dress with small petals of lavender scattered all over it .A white ribbon at the back and laces around my waist. I didn't know ,if I took this date seriously, but I think I should look pretty. he picked me up at my house and we went to a restaurant .we walked together to the entrance, all of sudden he hold my hand and smiled to me .He could be a perfect boyfriend if I didn't love Adam anymore .I'm just not sure about my feeling .about whom I really love now. I talked to him all the way, when I turned my head .I was surprised to see Adam in front of me, with another woman. Automatically, I release my hand from Danny's grasp -shocked.

**The music  around us didn’t calm me. the atmosphere  was killing me and Danny seems quiet tonight .It’s sure because of what I did earlier. The chandelier lights ,the violin sounds ,the candles and the smell of steak-It was perfect yet I was so troubled ,I kept looking at Adam and Danny seemed to notice my strange behaviors.

“Are you okay?”,Danny asked softly.

“I’m sorry ,I can’t  do this anymore. Sorry Danny ,Excuse me. I need to go home” .I answered.

“it is because of him ,right? Danny looked at Adam.

I nodded

“It’s hard to move on .I don’t know .I might standing in front of you ,but my mind is wandering there. I might say I’m over him, yet my heart still there. My feet might step away from him,  yet my body wanted to stay so badly. I just can’t .He gives me so much to remember .seeing him with another woman,  broke my heart. My heart is dying from heartache .I like you but I love him .And you knew ,that I’m still trapped in this love ,alone. Do you know ,what I felt right now .I’m falling apart .I’m sorry Danny”

“I knew you still love him .I can’t force you to love me. It won’t be fair for both of us .I knew you hurt. I knew how much it killing you inside .I just wanted you to know that I’m always there for you. Waiting for you until you forget him.”

“thanks, excuse me .I need to go home now.” I excused myself.

The paved streets seem empty, gloomy and dark..I walked slowly ,thinking –all the things that had been happening in my life. Now I’d lost another guy because I still can’t move on. I knew ,Danny won’t be there forever ,even he said so .My minds goes back and forth ,reminiscing the sweet memories that I ever had with Adam .everything was so beautiful back then, I thought I already move on over him ,but I still don’t .why it’s so  hurtful seeing him with another woman ?why it’s so hard to forget him? my brain told me to stop, it’s only going to hurt me more .still my heart whispers to go for him. maybe he still had some feelings for me. maybe he’s waiting for me to grab him back. yeah, maybe..

**Ever since the terrible date with Danny  ,I had been avoiding him .I don’t reply his messages and pick up his calls. it’s for the best .I don’t know what he would think about this .One thing that I really know and sure is my feeling. yes. I’ll grab Adam back .I know there’s maybe a slightest chance for us. I should try and never give up .I love him and I knew he loved me once .it might be hard but at least I try .Why should I move on in the first place ,I shouldn’t give up ,now it seems too late to win him over again  .well ,my feelings toward him never dies it just fading away ,I’m sure he felt the same. Feeling confident ,I start to reopen the dusty book of our story again.

“he’s still single!” “he’s  single!”-I cried joyfully, my heart never bloomed like this since  we break up .It’s , really a happy moment and I felt relieved that he still didn’t replace me yet .My hope was set to high again ,I’d been stalking on him since I make the decision to grab him back .I felt like a freak .I just don’t know ,it’s hurt .To watch him doing all fine after all this .He seems happy without me ,his life seems so perfect ,and he doesn’t change a bit .he’s still his old self-cute, cheerful and sweet. He’s still the same yet I’d changed a lot .I don’t know if I’m the same old me that he used to love once. I’d replaced him with so many guys just to forget him ,clearly I failed .I don’t deserve second chance ,he would never look at me again .My feeling changed ,back and forth .I love him but I don’t want to be rejected .The beating in my chest burdening me .Waiting hurts ,forgetting hurts but not knowing which decision to take is worst of  suffering.

I’d decided .I should cling .I don’t want to give up .I won’t move on .I believed in chances .The probability is low but love is not math ,it’s not something that can be calculated .It is about believing in someone and I believed in Adam .Love is stupid ,being in love is like trusting some strangers to take care of your hearts .You give your heart to them .They might break your heart , still you believe that they will take good care of it .It’s all about trust .Instead of mending my heart , I risk it .I gamble it .Idiot. I will love you like I’d never been hurt .

**Days passed and months flew .I’d not contact Adam for quite a time .I still love him and this is the way of me trying to get him back. I’d done research on internet, searching for you tube videos and I came across a website ‘How to get your ex back’. Its sounds really lame and desperate .But yes ,I’m desperate of getting Adam back. Well it consists of few steps ;First, identify the reasons of your breakup.-I really don’t know the real reasons of our breakup. Second ,disarm the anger.-How the fuck I’m going to disarm the anger, if I don’t even know the reason .Third, break contact.-that’s what I’m doing right now .I just don’t know for how long I’m going to stay away from him. Then, it goes with reinventing yourself, acceptance of lost ,re-entry ,reigniting old feelings and finally reconciliation.

**Somehow, I forgot him. I don’t know how, but I did. My life was brighter and happier, maybe I was too busy and he just vanished from my mind. I didn’t even had a boyfriend that time and my life was totally just surrounded by friends. It last for a month ,when a miracle happens. It was a total miracle and I swore that I jumped and I screamed after that miracle. I was too happy and I can’t  explained it with mere words ,Adam called me! I was too surprised to see his number on my phone ,I almost don’t know what to do, luckily I able to pick up his call before it turns into miscall.

“Hi ,are you busy ?” ,he asked.

“Hi, no, no .I’m not busy” ,I am still surprised that he called.

Those magical moment in my life last about 15 minutes, we talked about our life and upcoming semester break .It sounds like we are best friends .I’m happy ,delighted .I’m feeling wonderful. I’m excited to see him on the holiday. I smiled and thought, ‘Wow, that steps worked’ .Since he called, we’d been texting after that. I ignore the steps, screw it! In my thought ,I really sure that we will be together again. Childish. He must have been missing me, that’s why he called .And that’s mean he still love me, assumptions and hope began to bloomed like wild fire .Doesn’t even realized that heartbreak will take place soon.

There he was ,making me set my hope again .It felt like he is giving me chance to love him again .It is like he is telling me don’t give up on him . It felt like he is still waiting for me .His eyes ,his stare ,his smile and his words .I hate him for being too nice to me .It not even his faults  .It is my fault for setting hopes. Just because he is being nice to me .Just because he is there .I set my hope too high and now my heart breaks again .Falling from the celestial height ,drop to the lowest ground and scattered into pieces .It is my punishment .For loving someone who doesn’t love me .For holding on to someone I shouldn’t .For not giving up .I thought he would see me if I clung . I thought he would reconsidered loving me again .Loving someone who truly love him even when she’d been hurt .I’m hurt ,I clung ,I don’t give up because I thought that is the best thing I could do to make him fall for me .But he didn’t .

          Whenever , I nearly forgot him , there he come giving me hope.       Maybe it wasn’t a hope. Maybe it was only me, seeing that as hope. I remember, the moment when we were chatting on Facebook when he suddenly invite me for a video chat. Words can’t describes how happy I were. We have not see each others for a long time and my heart grows fonder toward him. I remember how blissful I were ,we didn’t talk much. We just looked at each other and reminiscing the memories that I tried to forget. He sang something. I’m longing to his voice and this just giving me reasons why I should clung. And just like another hope ,I’m going to be crushed later and left in a depression. Later ,I told my friend who happened to be his best friend. He said ,Adam didn’t meant anything by that. It was not him who giving me hope. It was me who seeing that as hope. He said Adam didn’t felt anything toward me but just being friendly. I’m crushed, maybe the way he said it break my heart. The way he despised me in front of him friends. I cried, hurt and broken I promised myself to stop loving him.

Now, I’m really sure. I knew I shouldn’t give myself hope again. Yeah, now he’s beside me .Watching the waves hitting the shore ,the rocks ,amazed with the white bubbles that pops almost simultaneously .The breeze ,the wind that blowing my hair softly and the smell of the ocean .It couldn’t be more perfect .Suddenly , I lost in the memory ,I remembers ran along the beach, collecting seashells and wrote our names on the sand .I remember I wrote forever and now I am sure that forever is now over. My heart learnt a lot now ,it broke thousands time already and this is the time that I should let you go. I need to accept the fate that we were not made for each other ****I watch him smiling to the beach,  part of me wanted to stay with him forever. Deep down, I know he didn’t love me, we’re just pretending to be  friends, and we knew we’ll never be.****

Maybe he was not meant for me .Maybe he never was .Everything that we had in the past just a sweet piece of journey that everyone will get in their life .And looked like I’m the only one who hold that journey for too long. Maybe we never meant to be together .Yeah ,my feelings changed .It always changed .I really should be forgetting him , I really should end all of this .Maybe ,my true love was out there waiting for me to move on .To stop trying on things that will never happens . Because I know ,If Adam and me were fated ,he won’t have let me tried to fixed this love alone .At the end I knew ,if he really love me .He will stay ,even when its hurt ,even when everything had been torn apart .Because I  believe that’s what love is .So ,I guess I’ll stop loving until the right time comes .

**This is my work from 2012, the are a lot  grammatical errors but i'm to lazy to edit it" 


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